


What would Connor do?

by LetTheWorldPassBy



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-26
Updated: 2017-10-11
Packaged: 2019-01-05 16:49:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,265
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12193833
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LetTheWorldPassBy/pseuds/LetTheWorldPassBy
Summary: Connor and Evan had been dating for around a year. Connor was getting noticeably better, but the night after they started Senior year, Connor Murphy still took his own life. Everyone keeps telling Evan to keep his head up, to do what Connor would have wanted. Everyone keeps talking to Evan as if they really knew Connor, but they don't- maybe if they all did, he still would have been hereAU where Connor and Evan did in fact know each other, and the effect Connor's death had on the person who cared for him most.





	1. On a perfect day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little bit of fluff before the shitstorm happens

Connor Murphy and Evan Hansen were an unlikely couple to say the least. When they first met, Connor had pushed Evan to the ground after some misunderstanding, but he had apologised and began an unlikely friendship. Their friendship grew quickly, until a few months later Evan Hansen made the bold move to kiss his best friend, resulting in the pair admitting their feelings for each other. They had been together for nearly a year when Senior year rolled around. Connor was leaning against Evan’s locker at the start of the day, waiting for his boyfriend. He picked at his nail polish as he waited, mind on other things before he spotted Evan walking in not long after, his friend Jared in tow. Connor and Jared didn’t overly get along, but had come to a sort of truce when Jared saw just how happy Connor had made Evan.

 

“Wow, Connor, loving the new hair length. Very school shooter chic.” Jared smiled falsely as they came up to Evan’s locker. God, Connor wanted to punch that asshole right in the face and- _In for six, hold for eight, and out for ten_. He breathed in time with the voice in his head, that sounded oddly like Evan but he didn’t need to know that. He’d been trying to hard to keep him anger under control, but it just kept getting harder and harder. Evan rolled his eyes at Jared and wrapped his arms around Connor’s waist as he hugged the taller boy.

 

“Leave him alone Jared, I think it’s cute.”

 

“Cute? That’s not the word choice you told me.” Connor smirked, anger fading as he kissed Evan’s forehead, who blushed and tried to stammer out an excuse.

 

“Alright, fifty shades of gay, calm down. Little Evan is going to have a heart attack if the world knows he thinks of impure thoughts.” Jared joked, earning a laugh from Connor and more spluttering from Evan. “I’m going to go before your head explodes, see you later, use protection.” Evan hit Connor’s shoulder lightly, trying to look annoyed. He separated from Connor began opening his locker.

 

“That wasn’t nice.”

 

“I’m not nice.” Connor stuck his tongue out.

 

“You’re nice to me.” Connor made a loud shushing sound making Evan laugh.

 

“No so loud, I have a brooding asshole reputation to uphold.”

 

“Oh, so I shouldn’t mention how you like to cuddle and…” Evan squealed as Connor began tickling his sides. “Okay! Okay! You’re a total brooding asshole who hates to cuddle!” Connor smiled and leaned down to kiss his boyfriend.

 

“That’s more like it. Orchard after school today?” He asked as the bell rang. Evan nodded with a dopey smile before turning and heading toward his own class.

 

It had become a sort of tradition. After school, every Monday and Wednesday, Connor would wait by Evan’s locker and the pair would go to the old Orchard. Connor had taken him there on their first date and after that it became their go to place.

 

Today, Connor had convinced Evan to climb up a tree to sit and watched the sunset with him, and honestly how could Evan say no to those eyes? An amber glow painted everything they could see, the trees were already growing orange with the fall fast approaching, making the whole orchard seem bathed in fire. The warm, soft kind of fire that made you feel at peace, like a log fireplace at Christmas time. Connor wished he could paint to capture Evan in this light. The warm glow was such a stark difference to his usual cool blue tones. He seemed more at ease bathed in sunset, the warm colours mirror his warm nature. It was like Evan was painted in his personality and that just made it the most beautiful thing Connor had ever seen.

 

“I love it when you look this happy.”

 

“What?” Evan scrunched his nose up, “Do I not normally?”

  
  
“That’s obviously not what I fucking meant Evan, don’t start…”

  
“Connor.” Evan said sternly. Connor’s anger had been flaring up a lot recently. Even Connor caught himself on, he took a deep breath, taking Evan’s hand to ground himself.

  
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to snap at you. It’s been a really rough week.”

 

“Hey, it’s okay. No one expects you to be totally okay all the time. You don’t get mad at me when my stutter is really bad, or when I panic, do you?” Evan smiled understandingly. When they first got together, Evan would get so upset if Connor’s anger was ever directed at him. He locked himself in a bathroom stall and cried the first-time Connor ever yelled at him. But they worked though it together, Connor was getting better and better every day, but everyone had blips.

 

“Well, no, you can’t help that. But I…”

  
“Also have a mental illness, Connor. You can’t help your spurts of anger or your depression any more than I can help my anxiety.” The two were quiet for a moment. In peaceful silence as the sun began to set. Connor held Evan’s hand tightly, as if he’d disappear if he let go. 

 

“I love you so much, you know that right? I don’t say it enough. You mean the world to me Evan, I wouldn’t have lasted this long if I hadn’t have met you. You deserve the world, you deserve everything good in this fucked up world, because that’s what you are to me. The whole world could be out to get me and I wouldn’t care as long as I could still make you smile.” Connor shook his head, turning to now look at Evan. “I love you. Nothing that could ever happen will change that, I just want you to know that.” Evan grinned, his cheeks burning red.

 

“How do you always do that?”

 

“What?”

 

“You make everything else so quiet. It gets so loud in here,” He gestured vaguely towards his head, “But you. When you look at me like I’m something important. Or you smile, or you tell me you love me then- everything else is quiet. You’re everything to me Connor, I’m so happy I met you. I’m so happy to be with you, I can’t even imagine a life without you and it’s so surreal that I don’t have to. That you love me, and want me, and I’m enough.”

 

Connor surged forward, cupping Evan’s face and kissing him deeply, trying to convey all he felt but couldn’t bring himself to say in one kiss. I love you, you’re amazing, I’m sorry, forgive me, be happy. Evan leaned his head into Connor’s hand as they pulled away, eyes closed with a blissful little smile on his face. That was an image he could look at forever. He was happy they had this memory, this moment of pure love and openness that was just for them. Evan opened his eyes, the dopey smile still in place. God, did Connor adore this boy or what?

 

“I promised your Mom I’d get you home early tonight. C’mon tree boy, we gotta get down.”

 

Evan scoffed a laugh, “Oh _I’m_ tree boy? Like I’m the one who goes to an abandoned orchard in his free time or has a giant tree poster in his room.” Evan challenged as they began to move down.

 

“You _do_ have a tree poster too! But hey, I put that up because my boyfriend happens to love trees and it reminds me of him.”

  
“Quit making me blush, Connor!”

  
  
“But you’re so cute when you do.”

  
  
“Stop it!”

* * *

 

Connor took the longer drive back to Evan’s, not that he minded one bit. Even when they just sat quietly together Evan was content. When they finally pulled up to Evan’s, Connor insisted on walking him to his door.

 

“You never normally, you don’t have to.”

 

“Shut up and let me be romantic.” Connor rolled his eyes, swinging their joined hands. “I just wanted a little more time with you.” Evan giggled and butted his head against Connor’s shoulder.

 

“Sap.” He lifted his head to kiss Connor goodnight, “I’ll see you in school tomorrow, okay? I love you”

 

“I love you more.” Connor smiled shakily, planting one last kiss on Evan’s forehead before walking back to his car. Evan smiled to himself and went unlocked the door, stepping inside. Connor had been so nice tonight, not that he wasn’t generally nice, but he was normally more reserved about his feelings, normally more sullen, but today he was looking at the world, looking at Evan like he wanted to really take in all it. And who was Evan to question that? Connor really was getting better, and he was so proud of him for that. Evan giggled to himself thinking about Connor, before turning to wave him off. Connor smiled at him for a moment, looking at Evan as if he was trying to remember ever detail of him, before lifting his hand to wave and pulling away.

* * *

 

The next day, Evan waited by his locker for Connor. He overslept sometimes and was late, so this wasn't to unusual. The bell rang and Evan shook his head with a smile, imagining how pretty Connor looked when he was asleep. How at ease he seemed, like all the issues that plagued him didn't matter. Those moments after he just wakes up where he's just content and happy. Evan almost laughed out loud picturing his sudden panic when he realises the time. He was so far gone on that boy but he didn't care. He was his boyfriend, he was allowed to sit and daydream about Connor all day if he wanted. He shot off another text message,

 

_Enjoy your lie in. I hope you wake up in time for A La Mode after school, its my turn to buy you aren't ducking out! I love you I'll see you later x_

 

Evan smiled as he pocketed his phone and sat down in homeroom. Just a couple more hours in this hellhole, then he could spend the rest of the day with Connor. He hoped Connor would be in the same mood as yesterday, it was the happiest he had seen him in a while. Evan was just so proud of him for all the progress he had made, he was doing so well. They were planning on approaching Larry again about the subject of therapy, something Larry strongly believed men did not need. But hey, maybe third time would be the charm. He took out his earphones and was about to start playing one of the playlists Connor had made him when there was an announcement on the school tannoy. 

"Would Evan Hansen please come to the principal's office immediately. That's Evan Hansen to the principals's office."

Evan tried to ignore his heartbeat pounding in his ears. Had he done something? Was it his Mom? Was he being kicked out of school for something? His unease didn't waive when he reached the office to find the Principal standing outside, looking solemnly at Evan. 

"Ah Evan, there's something that needs to be discussed with you. You may go into my office. Please, take all the time you need, you're excused from classes for the rest of the day. Your teachers will be informed." He placed a hand on Evan's shoulder and squeezed tightly before leaving, leaving Evan more confused than ever as he stepped into the office. He felt dread wash over him as he saw Cynthia and Larry Murphy waiting for him. 

"Oh Evan, honey. I think you should sit down, there's something we need to tell you."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! I have quite a few chapters already written or planned out, so should hopefully be posting every other day. Let me know what you thought of this and leave some kudos if you feel so inclined! Thank you!


	2. Troubled Thoughts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is super angsty, and sad, and I'd love to say i'm sorry but I love me some angst. WARNING: Mentions of suicide and mental illness

Evan sat down awkwardly opposite the Murphy’s. Something was definitely wrong, maybe Connor was ill? He hoped not, Connor could be horrible when he was sick. He’d kick off about being treated like a child, then refuse to accept help until he was practically passing out. Connor Murphy was nothing if not stubborn, Evan thought with a small smile. He looked up over at the Murphy’s and felt that smile quickly fade. Cynthia was miles from her normal put together self. He remembered the first time he had met Connor’s mother, standing in the kitchen cooking a huge homemade meal because it’s not every day Connor brings a friend home, we need to make a good impression. Evan remembered, despite the steam and heat of the kitchen, that not a hair was out of place, her make up sat immaculately and she moved with a kind of grace you see in old Hollywood movies. Her hair now sat plainly on her shoulders, no product or curl to it, her mascara was smudged a little under her eyes, as if she had been crying and quickly tried to wipe her eyes before the black ran down her cheeks. She seemed curled in on herself, like the weight of the world was on her shoulders. Evan was used to his stance from Connor, but never from Cynthia. Then there was Larry, Larry who was wary at first of their relationship but did everything in his power to make Evan feel like part of the family. At thanksgiving, he invited Evan and Heidi to their house, he and Evan had played catch after Connor refused (as he did every year). He always seemed stern on the outside, but a look to his eyes would show every emotion he was feeling. It was the one trait he and Connor shared. Larry didn’t have a lot of time for Connor, he didn’t believe in mental illness in men, but he tried. He saw he son slowly coming back and if being with a boy was what did it, well then who was he to stand between them. Right now, though, his face was sunken, he looked devastated for lack of a better word. But his eyes, Evan had never seen the older gentleman look so lost.

Cynthia reached across to hold Evan’s knee, taking a shaky breath as she looked up at the confused boy they had gotten to know so well.

“First of all, I want to say thank you, Evan.” She began, “Connor never really had friends before he met you. He and Zoe barely spoke, hell he barely said a word to us that wasn’t a cuss. But the more and more he spent time with you, I felt like he came home for the first time in a long time.” She stopped for a second, holding back tears. Evan rested his hand on hers, rubbing small circled onto her hand. It always helped Connor, maybe it could help her too. Cynthia smiled gratefully and continued. “I know he was sick. I know that doesn’t go away without proper help. I know we should have listened to you both when you insisted on therapy. I know all this, and I am so sorry I never truly listened. I should have put my foot down…”

“We both know I was the issue there. It’s not your fault, Cynthia.” Evan was shocked to hear Larry’s voice break. Shocked to hear him admitting he was wrong. The dread in his chest continued to build.

“Like hell it’s not! What kind of mother am I that I couldn’t stop this?” Cynthia snapped, letting her tears just flow.

“S-s-stop what?” Evan asked timidly, “Mrs Murphy, what are you talking about?” Cynthia held back a sob, looking to Larry for some help here and she drew back her hand, wrapping both tightly around herself.

“Evan, Connor cared for you a lot. You can’t blame yourself for this.”

“For what?”

“Evan, last night, Connor…Connor he, he’s…”

“He died, Sweetie. Connor’s gone.” Cynthia said softly, holding tightly to Larry’s hand.

Evan could hear nothing but the ringing in his ears. That couldn’t be true. He was with Connor last night. They were at the Orchard, Connor walked him to his door. They were getting ice cream after school today.

“Why are you s-saying that? I was with him l-last night. He’s fine. He just over slept t-t-this morning. He’ll be here to pick me up. You’ve made a mistake.” Evan said quickly, panic rising by the second. Connor wasn’t dead. Connor wasn’t dead.

“He locked his door when he got home, we thought he was just going to bed. But when no one heard anything from him this morning, we broke down the door. He took his own life last night Evan, I’m so sorry.” She reached to touch him again but Evan stood abruptly, shaking his head.

“No, no because you would have called me last night. You’d have let me say goodbye.” He said, nearing hysterics despite his eyes remaining oddly dry. Cynthia stood, trying to comfort him.

“Honey, he was gone before we found him. There was nothing you could have done.”

“No! He was getting better! He was getting so much better! We were going to ask for therapy again this Friday. We had a really good plan this time.” Larry cursed under his breath at this.

“Son, he really is gone. He left this for you.” Larry handed him a white envelope. ‘ _Dear Evan Hansen_ ’ written across the front in that chicken scratch Connor called his handwriting. Evan laughed a little to himself. Connor secretly loved letters, we he found out Evan wrote them to himself for therapy, he had started to leave little Letters all over the place to cheer him up.

_Dear Evan Hansen, today is going to be a good day because you’re really cute and any day with you is a good day. Sincerely, me._

_Dear Evan Hansen, I’m sorry about last night. I never wanted you to see that side of me. But you did, and you stayed, you didn’t run away. Still don’t know what I could have ever done to deserve you. I think I love you. Sincerely, Me._

_Dear Evan Hansen, I left this letter in front of your locker purely so I could look at your butt when you pick it up. I’m not even sorry about it. Sincerely, m_ e.

 

Evan stared at the letter in his hands, before shoving it in his back pack and running out of the room. He bolted down the corridor to his locker. This was a joke. Connor would be at home still, in bed. He’d freak out when he saw the time then he’d come pick Evan up. Like always. Evan shook his head and kept running. He pushed through the front doors. He had to see Connor. He needed to see him, needed to know this sick prank was over.

He was a sweaty mess by the time he got to the Murphy’s house, but he didn’t care. He swiped the spare key from atop the porch light and let himself in, throwing down his backpack and he bounded up the stairs.

“Connor, wake up! You won’t believe the p-prank your parents just tried to pull.” He laughed nervously as he walked to Connor’s room at the end of the hall. “It had me really scared, Con. You can’t joke about stuff like that. I forgive you, but please don’t do that to me, I don’t know what I’d do.” Evan’s heart froze as he saw the door broken off its hinges. “No…” he slowly walked into Connor’s room, it was unsettling. The room was too clean, the smell of cleaning products still strong. His bed was made, which Connor never did unless he was trying to impress someone, usually Evan. The pillows were still at an odd angle that Connor always thought looked better. Evan tended to agree. But why had Connor cleaned his room? He hated cleaning. There were a few boxes sitting on Connor’s bed, his messy handwriting labelling them in black ink. ‘ _For Zoe’, ‘For Mom’, ‘Dad’, ‘For Evan’_.  A small, poorly drawn tree was beside Evan’s name, making him smile. He opened up the box and found nearly all of Connor’s hoodies, a shoebox full of photo strips or ticket stubs or plastic spoons from their dates. Why was Connor giving him this? He looked over to the tree poster Connor had put up. It reminded him of Evan, so it was nice to wake up and see something to get up for.

However, on the floor beside the poster, there were several open bottles of pills. All empty. Evan lifted one and turned it over to read the label. He dropped it in shock, scuttling away to the other side of the room when he saw his name on the prescription. He had lost a near full bottle of pills for his anxiety around a week ago, but just figured he must have forgotten them somewhere. They were for emergencies, they were a relaxant. Evan knew that more than four could make you pass out, and the bottle was empty? He looked at the rest of the bottles, his hands shaking more and more as he realised what this cocktail would do.

“When we found him, he was already long gone. The Doctor’s think the relaxants made him pass out pretty quick. Like just going to sleep and not waking up. He didn’t suffer.” Larry said softly from the door. “I know an apology won’t bring him back, but I was wrong. I should have listened to you boys, but I didn’t. And now I’ve paid for that, I am truly sorry.”

Evan was silent. Looking up at the poster he thought to himself, was this the last thing Connor ever saw? Did he want that to be the last thing before nothing? Something that reminded him of Evan? Maybe if he invited Connor in, or he had texted him sooner, or if he had done anything then Connor would still be here.

“I’m going home.” Evan said, barely any emotion in his voice.

“I’ll drive you.”

“I’d rather be alone.” Evan nodded at Larry before leaving. “I’m sorry too.” He added before descending the stairs and grabbing his bag.

He popped his headphones in, playing the playlist Connor had labelled ‘ _Troubled Thoughts_ ’ as he began the walk home. Angry lyrics about mistakes and lost chances filled his head. He turned it up to full volume, trying to quiet the voices in his head. Maybe if he played the music loud enough, he wouldn’t have to feel anything. Maybe it would all be another bad dream, he’d wake up and Connor would text him good morning and everything would be ok. He just had to play their music loud enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually am sorry. Please forgive. Also feel free to leave comments or kudos, it really helps me get a feel of how this is progressing!  
> Have a lovely day/night!


	3. False Condolences

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor's funeral rolls around. Everyone keeps offering words of condolence like they knew what Connor would want, when they barley knew who he was.

Evan had decided, he hated funerals. Seeing a mass of people, claiming to mourn for a boy they knew no more of than his name, it sickened him to his core. The service was what was expected. The Pastor telling of what a great son and a wonderful friend Connor was. That he was a lost soul who couldn’t find his way, but perhaps now he could find peace. A voice in his head (and if that voice sounded like Connor, Evan couldn’t fault it) just said that was bullshit. He was an amazing boyfriend, but that would never be mentioned. He snorted when he laughed too hard, then would laugh harder after realising, but that too would never be mentioned. He used to wear pride t-shirts under his hoodie at big family events, his own private rebellion that didn’t get them both in too much trouble. He had keyed the cars of several guys who had picked on Evan, he had broken more door hinges than one cared to count, his favourite flower was a sunflower but he’d never admit it. He would tilt his head to the side when he was trying to concentrate, he had hay fever but would still take Evan to the Orchard even after the grass was freshly mowed, he preferred headphones to earbuds but used the later more so he could share with Evan. The things that Evan thought were most important, would never be mentioned. Funerals are for the living, not the dead. This certainly wasn’t for Connor. Connor would hate it. He’d hate the flowers, he’d hate the hymns, he’d hate the veneer that was put over his life to hide all the less than favourable parts.

 

What Evan hated most, however, was his own reaction. Connor Murphy was dead, in a wooden box not ten feet away from Evan, yet he hadn’t shed a single tear since he found out. Jared said he was still in shock, that he had to process what happened before he could grieve, but Evan wasn’t so sure. He knew what had happened. He was so hyperaware that Connor was in that box, that his boyfriend was lying there and would never open his eyes again. That, if he could, he’d be freaking out now because he couldn’t stand small spaces, but there was no yelling or screaming so he knew his Connor was truly gone. He knew.

 

Yet his eyes remained dry.

 

They remained dry, during the service, laughing only a little when Zoe gave her eulogy. He didn’t cry during his own eulogy, he resented having to call Connor only his best friend. Not boyfriend, not soulmate, not the love of his life- all because the Murphy’s thought it best not to out Connor to the rest of the family and have them ruin his funeral. No one was that horrible to ruin a funeral, Evan thought, but they were the ones to pay for the whole affair so he complied. He talked about their time together, seeing Connor grow as a person, how proud he was of him, how much he missed him already.

 

“I still text him every morning when I wake up. It’s not until I really wake up when I realise, ‘Oh, yeah. He not going to text me back.’ Little things just remind me of him, like when I walk past a Hot Topic, I think of all the times Jared would call him that.” He laughed a little, looking over at Jared, “He actually thought it was pretty funny, but he didn’t want to give you the satisfaction of laughing.” Jared smiled back, eyes red rimmed. Jared could cry. He tried to hide it, so Evan wouldn’t see, but he knew Jared well enough to recognise the stuffed nose and red eyes. It had taken months for the unlikely friendship to occur between Connor and Jared, but, as odd as it was, the pair were thick as thieves faster than Evan ever could have hoped. Evan wasn’t the only one to lose a best friend, they both had.

 

“That was a really good speech back there.” Jared had said as they left the Crematorium after the service. “I know what you mean, about having to remind yourself he’s gone? It’s stupid, but I like went to tag him in a meme yesterday, and I hadn’t even got past the first letter of his name when it just kinda hit me, you know? Like ice water.” Evan nodded mutely, the hum of Jared talking helping to take him out of his head. He just felt numb to everything at this point.

 

“It gets easier. So everyone says.” Evan shrugged.

 

“I guess it will. I just keep catching myself thinking, what would Connor do? What would he say to diffuse this situation?”

 

“Probably something sarcastic.” Evan smiled. Jared laughed and agreed.

 

* * *

 

 

The wake was worse. A roomful of silent false mourners because a roomful of people offering the same words of condolence and the same pitying looks.  A room of people pretending to know how Connor thought. Alana had been the first to approach him, pulling him into a hug before launching into how devastating this was for the whole school, what a loss it was to lose Connor so young.

 

“He would want you to carry on, to move forward without him. He wouldn’t want his loss to hold you back.”

 

More and more nameless faces he went to school with, Connor’s extended family, people he was pretty sure had never even met Connor Murphy, all these people came to tell him what Connor would want him to do.

 

“He wouldn’t want you to be upset. He’d want you to be happy.” _Maybe._

 

“He’d want you to remember the good times, remember him in the best ways.” _He’d want me to remember_ him _, good and bad._

 

“It’s okay to find other people He’d want you to move on, to get over him.” _He’s not even been dead for a week._

 

“Connor would know what to say right now, he was always so good with words.” _Liar, Connor was awful with words when he was trying to comfort someone._

 

 

Each false condolence just made Evan resent the whole thing even more. He’d excused himself as politely as he could, taking himself outside for some air.  He shut his eyes and let his head fall back against the cool stone as he slid down a pillar. He wasn’t even sure how long he was out there before the smell of cigarettes caused him to bark out a cough. He opened his eyes to see Cynthia Murphy, leaning on the pillar opposite him, cigarette in hand, looking at the order of service. _In Memory of Connor Murphy_ on the front in a black cursive over a photo of Connor before he grew his hair out.

 

“He hated this photo, you know?” He knew. “I much prefer the photos of him recently, the polaroids in his room of the two of you? He never looked happier.”

 

Evan had more than a few photos on his phone, Connor when he wasn’t expected to be anything but Connor. Connor’s sleeping face at 8am when the sun decided to light up his face in a golden glow that makes, that made, him look even more beautiful. Connor in a park at 3am, the moonlight bouncing off the tear streaks down his cheeks, off the phone he toys in his hands like a lifeline. Connor with a mouthful of food and a shocked expression because you weren’t meant to take the photo while I was still eating, Evan, that’s not fair. But those photos were too real, too raw and honest to be printed out on a hundred pages to be handed out in mourning.

 

So were those polaroids.

 

Cynthia seemed to think so too.

 

“Everyone wants a solution, I suppose.” She carried on quietly.  “Someone to blame. I choose myself, what parent wouldn’t? I could have seen…”

 

“Mrs Murphy, it really wasn’t your fault. Once Connor had decided, we both know you couldn’t have changed his mind.” She looked at Evan, taking in his resigned tone, the lack of usual stutter, the numb look in his eyes. Her brow creased in worry. She dropped her cigarette, crushing it with her heel and then moved to crouch beside Evan, placing a comforting hand on Evan’s shoulder, trying to offer the lost boy some comfort.

 

“Oh honey, Connor wouldn’t want you to blame yourself either.” Evan smiled bitterly at that. _But I should have seen the signs, me of all people should have noticed_.

 

“I think I’m going to head home, it was really a lovely service. Thank you.” Evan stepped out of her hold, nodding awkwardly before finding his Mom. She smiled sadly at him. Wonderful, more pity.

 

“How you holding up, buddy?”

 

“Can we go home, please?” She nodded, excusing herself and taking them both outside. As soon as they got to the car, she pulled Evan into a tight hug.

 

“It’s going to be okay. Maybe not soon, but someday. Connor would be so proud of you right now.” Evan only sighed, pulling back from his Mom and getting in the car, desperate for this awful day just to be over.

 

* * *

 

 

Evan could barely sleep these days, it just escaped him. He was exhausted but every time his head hit the pillow all he could imagine was Connor, slumped against that stupid poster, surrounded by pills he shouldn’t have even had.  

 

_“You’ve reached Connor. Don’t bother leaving a message, I either ignored your call or you’re Evan, so I’ll obviously ring you back.”_

_“Hey Ev, I know your phone is dead but I don’t know, I was walking Downtown and there’s this Flower shop and they had a little blue pot with a tiny cactus in it, but it’s shaped really weird and it was on clearance because like no one wants real cactus’ anymore, let alone weird ones. Cactus’? Cacti? Whatever, spikey plants. Point is, I got you a cactus. Because like even if you think you aren’t good enough or you aren’t what everyone wants, you’re what I want. And I love you. Yeah. I’m actually pretty glad your phone is dead because I haven’t told you that yet. Fuck, man, I love you. Oh my god. So I’m coming over to yours like, right now. To tell you I love you and give you a cactus. Wow. I’m in love with you. Man, don’t even let Kleinman hear this message, he’d hold it over me forever.”_

_“Did you steal my favourite black hoodie again? Dammit Evan, it’s not like I can steal your clothes, you only have like one shirt.”_

 

_“Oh, so you don’t answer your phone now? Sure, you have a panic attack, and I always answer but no you can’t keep your fucking phone charged. Whatever Hansen. Go fuck yourself.”_

 

_“Hey, it’s like 4am but I’m a little drunk and like you really need to know I love you. Like, sure, right, so its total bullshit you need to love yourself before you can ever really love someone else, because I fucking adore you, Ev, you’re my whole world. That was super gay, Don’t judge me for being gay in the morning, Oh wait you’re my boyfriend…that’s gayer. I love you!”_

_“I hate you. I hate you so fucking much. I haven’t gotten like this in months, but now? You can’t just pretend this isn’t a part of me and hope it goes away. You’re crying in Zoe’s room now, aren’t you? Maybe you should fucking sleep with her considering you had a crush on my fucking sister! What, couldn’t get the real deal, so settled for the defect?”_

_“Evan, baby, please don’t open that last message, If I ever call you when you know I’m in an episode, don’t pick up. Don’t listen to the messages. It’s not me…well, it is me, but not me, you know? I love you. I’m sorry I made you cry. I love you.”_

 

It probably wasn’t healthy, listening to every old message he had from Connor. He had made sure to back them up to his phone, his laptop and a pen drive so he’d never lose them. Just hearing Connor’s voice eased away the numbness, helped him get out of bed when he had barely moved in a few days, helped him feel something. He needed Connor, that hadn’t changed. He doubted it ever would. The I love yous, the unseen smiles, even the anger- it was his Connor, and he’d hold on to that for as long as he possible could.

 

“ _You’ve reached Connor. Don’t bother leaving a message, I either ignored your call or you’re Evan, so I’ll obviously ring you back.”_

 

 

And sleep finally came.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! So all I know about funerals is my experience with them, which are Northern Irish funerals. So if wakes and services are not the common thing in America, my apologies. Also apologises for the Sad ™
> 
> The next chapter is my favourite, it's the scene that gave me the idea for the whole story, then i'll probably have a short epilogue so we don't end on intense angst
> 
> Please feel free to comment and leave kudos if you are enjoying the work!
> 
> Have a lovely weekend!


	4. This Mess That I Am

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ...I'm sorry?

 

Evan didn’t get any better.

 

He was trying, god was he trying, but every little thing was starting to get on his last nerve. Zoe would still invite him round to her house, as if it was normal the room down the hall was empty.  Cynthia would still send him the odd email if she found something while clearing out Connor’s room. How were they clearing out his room? He’d been gone for a little over two months and they just wanted to empty it? Maybe it would be a music room for Zoe, an Office for Larry, a storage room or something else Connor would have found hilariously poetic.

 

The thing he hated most was how everyone was treating him like glass, as if they said the wrong thing they’d cause Evan to kill himself too. He _had_ to be just as unstable to date Connor Murphy, right?

 

People thought he couldn’t hear the whispers, that they shut up quickly enough when they saw Evan, but he heard. He heard everyone call Connor crazy, selfish, everything he hated hearing Connor say about himself, but hearing it out of the mouths of people who didn’t even know him made his blood boil.

 

Alana had come up to him again today, trying in her own way to check in on him and offer her help, but all it did was make him feel even more numb.

 

“It’s been some time now, huh? Not that you shouldn’t still be upset, but… Connor wouldn’t hate you if you tried to be happy again. Connor would _want_ you to be happy Evan. You’re really starting to worry everyone. Zoe was saying you won’t even come over to her house anymore…”

 

“Maybe I don’t feel like knowing he’s not there. Do you know how much more obvious it is that he’s gone when you walk past his door and see an empty room?” Evan snapped. Alana looked shocked, whether it was due to the fact Evan Hansen snapped at someone without stuttering, or how horribly distraught the boy clearly was, she wasn’t sure. Jared happened to be nearby and overheard, then was by Evan’s side in seconds.

 

“Hey, man, c’mon. It’s not Alana’s fault…”

 

“It’s not Connor’s either!” Evan turned to his friend with a scoff, “You hear everyone too, I know you do. What they all say about him? That it was a matter of time? He deserved it? That we’re probably _so_ much better off now?” The few students around them had the decency to look guilty or move away from the scene. “Everyone thinks he was crazy!”

 

“Ev, no they don’t. Just--”

 

_"Ev, baby please don't cry."_

_"Ev, you're killing me here, gimme back my hoodie."_

_"Fuck, Ev, you have no idea how much I love you."_

 

“Evan. Just Evan. Don’t…don’t call me that anymore, please.” Jared paused at this, a little shocked. Then he stopped to take in, to really take in his best friend. He clearly wasn’t sleeping, going by the purple bags under his eyes, so deep they could easily be mistaken for bruises. His eyes looked dead for lack of a better term, like there was nothing worth even trying for. He knew that look, it was the look Connor got before an episode. And didn’t that thought scare him half to death? He wasn’t planning on losing another friend anytime soon.

 

“We’re skipping. Get in my car.” To his shock, Evan just nodded and started walking toward the exit to the parking lot. He turned to follow when Alana grabbed his arm.

  
“Zoe is really worried, we all are. Can you just try and talk to him? He’s not talking to any of us but if anyone can get to him right now, it’s you.”

 

“I’m gonna try, but not for you guys.” Jared glared, “I actually gave a shit about him before he dated Murphy and I’ll give a shit long after. I don’t need you to tell me how to be there for my best friend.” He felt a little guilty to snap at Alana (God, she couldn’t catch a break today) but she just smiled sadly and nodded, waving a little before she turned and walked away toward Zoe, who was watching them intently.

 

Evan was leaning on his car, forehead pressed to the cool glass, when Jared joined him.

 

“I was r-really rude, I’m sorry.” He muttered, his voice barley over a whisper. “I j-just hate hearing all the h-horrible things people say.” He thought back to how Connor would seem to sink into himself, or drop Evan’s hand when he heard the whispers. How any progress he was making seemed to slip a little. He didn’t blame the people in his school, but they had no right to keep his name circling the school in a negative way. Connor deserved better. He felt Jared’s hand rub his back and sighed, relaxing a little and leaning into it. It was the most Evan reaction Jared had seen since before everything happened, it made him smile despite himself. 

 

“It happens, man. Don’t worry about it.”

 

~~

 

They sat on Evan’s bed awkwardly, in silence that hung stiffly in the air. There was nothing comfortable about this, the air of unease shouldn’t exist between two people who have known each other for ten years, yet here they were- a grieving boy who refused to grieve and a lost friend who didn’t know where to start.

 

“I feel like I don’t even know how to comfort you. Any time I try I keep asking myself ‘What would Connor do?’ but I keep coming up short. But… I know if he was here he wouldn’t want you to…” Evan cut him off with an exasperated laugh.

 

“Stop talking like you know him!” Evan shook his head in disbelief, “That’s all anyone keeps saying! Connor loved you. What would Connor do. Connor would want this. You didn’t fucking know him stop acting like you did!” He spat, venom lacing his words. Jared was taken aback; sure, Connor would get on like this sometimes- but not Evan.

 

“Evan I didn’t mean anything by it…”

 

“What would Connor do, huh? If he were here right now. Do you know how many times I’ve asked myself that? What would he do if I had fucking killed myself? What would Connor Murphy do? But none of you even cared enough to know the fucking answer. What would Connor do, yeah?” Evan was on his feet by this point, staring down Jared. He turned sharply and threw his arms across his dresser, swiping everything to the floor, “He’d get mad, wouldn’t he?”

 

“Evan…” Jared went on ignored as Evan started to tear apart his room.

 

“He’d get mad because it isn’t fair and he’d be upset and when he’s upset he gets mad but everyone pretends like that didn’t happen! That he was fine! That he was a totally healthy happy kid who happened to decide to kill himself!” He threw the pile of books on his desk to the ground, not caring how they landed or if they were damaged. He could feel. That feeling, true, was anger but it was the first real emotion he felt since he’d lost Connor.

 

 “He’d break things, he’d get s-s-so fucking angry because he wasn’t well! He had a fucking mental illness and everyone wanted to pretend it wasn’t real! He’d start breaking things, yeah? Is this what you want? Are you happy? Look! I’m doing what Connor would do! Still isn’t going to magically bring him back, is it?” Evan snarled as his eyes welled up. He balled his shaking hands into tight fists, punching another book to the ground, this time harder, the cover of the book separating from the pages as it hit the wall.  Jared tried to move toward him, this wasn’t like Evan at all. He was volatile, he was a mess, he was going to end up hurting himself, Jared had to step in.

 

“Evan please you need to stop!” He reached to touch Evan’s arm. Evan whipped around, angry hot tears streaming down his face, he pushed Jared off him with a grunt.

 

“He was hurting, he wasn’t well and that just got swept under the rug but dammit he was getting better! He was he was doing so much better. His episodes happened less and less, and when they did happen he knew it was coming so got away from anyone he could hurt, or sometimes I could talk him down from it.” He smiled bitterly, “I’d talk about anything, He really liked it when I talked about trees. When he’d calm down he’d just open his door and sit beside me and ask me questions about them until he felt better.” Evan turned and punched the wall, “He was trying so fucking hard! He could have got better! He could have had a life! He could have done anything in the damn world!”

 

Evan lifted a photo frame, about to throw it to the ground when he actually looked at it. Connor smiled back at him, his face pressed close to Evan’s as they took a selfie at the Orchard to remember their first date. They were happy. Connor was happy. Connor was still here.

 

“I miss him.” His voice broke, becoming small, barely a whisper compared to mere moments ago. He kept staring at that picture. The tilt of Connor’s smile, how his hair fell, the crinkles around his eyes that only happened when he was truly happy. He looked up from the picture, his eyes settling on that little blue pot with the tiny weird cactus. The cactus a boy who loved him bought just because he loved him. All of that was gone, and it couldn’t come back. “God, I miss him so much.” Evan sobbed, his knees giving out as he fell to the floor. He clutched the photo frame to his chest and the sobs ripped out of him, harsh and unforgiving.

 

“Hey, hey, hey.” Jared rushed forward, kneeling down and bringing the other boy close to his chest, “It’s okay, let it all out.” Evan shook his head, his free hand clinging to Jared as he sobbed into his shirt.

 

“It’s n-not okay! It’s never going to be okay b-because he’s gone. He’s gone and I can’t get him back a-and I don’t know what to do and I miss him so much it hurts. I can’t do this without him. I need him back! I need Connor. Bring him back! Please, I need him back please bring him back!” He bawled, breathing too quick, his thoughts moving too fast. Oh god, he was having a panic attack. He needed Connor.

 

Jared could feel his heart breaking with every word. He didn’t even know what he could do, what he could say to help Evan. He couldn’t bring Connor back, none of them could. But he could save Evan.

 

“Evan you’ve got to breath okay? You’re going to pass out. What was that breathing thing you and Connor used to do? In for six, hold for eight, out for ten, right?”

 

_“In for six, hold for eight, and out for ten. Good, Ev, you’re doing great. Now do it again for me, okay?” Connor smiled, concern still creasing his brows as he rocked a hyperventilating Evan to his chest. “In for six, hold for eight, out for ten. You’re doing amazing, I love you.”_

 

Connor would need him to breath. He had to breath. In for six, hold for eight, out for ten. He could do that. Evan focused on remember Connors voice, the feel of his embrace when he tried to calm Evan down, the feeling of his hand locked tightly around his own, the sound of his laugh. In for six, hold for eight, out for ten. Eventually Evan calmed down, crying silently into Jared’s chest while he rubbed soft circles into his back. He wasn’t okay, and honestly no one expected him to be, but he was going to be. He had to, for Connor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Evan's meltdown was actually what inspired this story. This was honestly my favourite chapter to write because love me some suffering. I hope you enjoyed it and don't hate me too much. Please comment and kudos if you're enjoying the work! And yeah sorry again, it'll be okay Evan dw


	5. Life Could Be Alright

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time moves along, Evan gets better. 
> 
> But that Letter still remains sealed.

 

It took longer than he thought it would before Evan could open Connor’s note.

 

It had sat there, shoved in the front pocket of his back pack like the very day it was handed to him. He said he’d read it before the funeral, maybe offer some of Connor’s words as solace in his eulogy. But in his back pack it remained. He was going to read it when he started to go back to school, but it didn’t feel right. He didn’t deserve to seek comfort in the words of a boy he couldn’t even protect. So, in his back pack it remained.

 

Until he fell apart.

 

Until he sat for hours, bawling and screaming to whatever was out there that would listen about how unfair it was, how awful and terrible life must be that this sort of tragedy could happen then so promptly be forgotten.  Mourned long enough to be polite, but not so long he became an inconvenience. Evan clung to that photo frame after he could cry no longer, long after he stopped hitting Jared’s chest in pain as loss kept ripping through him. He sat there, on the ground of the wreckage that was his room and let every emotion that came upon him come out. All the rage, the hurt, the sorrow, the loss- it all came in waves, harsh painful waves, as if his own emotions were enraged at how long they took to come forward. 

 

But Jared didn’t leave.

 

His Mom left hot chocolate by his door.

 

Despite the hole in his chest, he wasn’t alone.

 

When he had calmed down, Jared was there to help him put everything back together. To sit on the floor and drink lukewarm hot chocolate, not needing to say anything and that, in itself, saying everything.  

 

After some time, he put the photo on his nightstand, beside the cactus, before going to his back pack and getting the letter. He placed it in front of the two, smiling sadly.

 

“Are you going to open it?” Jared asked softly, his own voice raw from the emotion of the past few hours.

 

“I am.” Evan nodded, before sliding back down to the floor and picking up his mug. “But not now. But soon, I couldn’t before it was still--”

 

“I know.” Evan laughed, turning his watery smile to his friend.

 

“I’m sorry.” He began. “I shouldn’t have said…he was your friend too. I don’t have a monopoly over him because we were together.”

 

“You don’t have to apologise, Evan. Hearing everyone tell you what he would do, it gets to me too. But, I already had this. I already yelled, and swore, and cried…I let myself miss him. You didn’t.”

 

“I don’t know I thought…I hoped…that it would be like all those other times. He’d disappear for a few days but he’d come home. He’d been in hospital for a week, but he’d come home. But…but it’s been like two months and he’s…he’s not coming home. He’s never coming home and I knew that, _I knew it_ , I did, how could I not? But…”

 

“You still hoped he would.” Evan nodded, biting his lip as tears kept falling down his cheeks. He wiped them away with a harsh laugh.

 

“God, you’d think I was done crying.” Jared smiled too.

 

“I’m honestly surprised you’re not still yelling.”

 

“Jared…”

 

“No.” An air of seriousness became Jared’s words. “No. You don’t apologise for this. This is not something you apologise for. You needed this, and I would far rather this happened while I was here rather than if you were alone--”

 

“Jared--”

 

“—Because who knows what you would have done if you were by yourself, and yeah, I know you’ve been getting better but so was he and all I’m thinking is what if, what if, what if--” Evan grabbed his friend’s hands to stop them shaking, effectively silencing him.

 

“You aren’t losing me too. I promise you that.” Evan swore. “I’m not going to lie, I have thought about it. I tried it once, a long time ago. But I can’t, I couldn’t do it. Not to Mom, not to you, not to Connor.”

 

“But…”

 

“I _know_ he isn’t here, I do. But if I…what kind of boyfriend would I be? To see how much he had to have been hurting to do that, and just do the same? No. Connor deserves more.”

 

“So, what do we do?”

 

* * *

 

 

The Connor Project started off as just a blog, a place where people who were struggling could write and share their stories and get help if they needed it. It developed, over the years, into a charity to help teenagers with mental health problems who felt no one cared or would believe them. They had open mic nights, education events, and fundraisers to pay for group therapy sessions, spaces to meet, help towards medication for those who were struggling.

 

Jared, with Evan, co-founded the project. He took on the reasonability for the website, its look, how it ran. He opened social media accounts for them, but beyond keeping the Facebook updated with events and such, he didn’t really know what to do with them.

 

That’s where Alana came in. She helped the social medias flourish, as their follower counts grew, more people reach out to them. She organised their first fundraiser to help pay to host group therapy sessions. She vetted the therapist herself, becoming, after a while, very close friends with her. She told them how the Project helped her find grounding. She was always doing so many extra credits and extra curriculars because, honestly, she had no idea what she was doing. She knew she wanted to go to college, she craved the challenge it offered, but she never really knew what she wanted to study, until The Connor Project. She wanted to help, so when she told them all she was accepted to study a Masters in Counselling, everyone was thrilled.

 

Zoe had joined after their first open mic night, scared originally that every meeting or blog post would just remind her of what they’d lost. She had taken quite the shine to working with the younger kids who came to them. The quiet ones who didn’t want to talk, but loved to listen to her play.

 

What no one saw coming was how much the group helped Evan.  When it started, he’d be the first to respond to posts, offering advice and links to places that could help. He was the one to talk to his therapist and ask her office to help with the kids online. At her suggestion, he was the one who started fundraising to use the large room on the first floor as a centre for the charity, take it from online into reality. His stutter was slowly easing with each talk he gave. He was getting involved again, volunteering to host events.

 

He took it the hardest when they lost a kid, especially the ones he had grown close to.

 

“You can’t save everyone, but you can make sure they know they aren’t alone.” Jared had told him the first time it had happened. That was all they could really do, wasn’t it?

 

After high school, Evan decided to take a year or so out before going to college. His Mom and The Murphy’s had talked and agreed to offer him Connor’s college fund, but he declined. He wanted to go to college, of course he did, but he wanted to keep working on the Project for a while first, and- maybe, more importantly to Evan- he wanted to do college by himself. Not because his boyfriend had happened to have money, not because it’s what you were expected to do, but because he had worked for it and he could support on himself on his own accord. Sure, his own college fund was small in comparison to Connor’s, but it would grow. He’d got a part time job when he wasn’t working on The Connor Project. He wanted to prove, to no one else but himself, that he could do something on his own.

 

They came to the compromise to put Connor’s college fund into the Project. It meant they could afford to buy out that large room and use it as a permanent hub for the growing charity. The four founding members were always the most active, but more people contacted them to volunteer. With more and more people helping, the charity kept expanding. Alana told them, on one of her many weekends where she came home, that she’d set up a Connor Project on her campus, helping the students on campus who were struggling with mental illness. Evan had nearly cried, hugging her tightly. They’d go to speak at some of the events there, and then, one of Evan’s speeches (thanks to Alana) went viral. After that, the support for the project skyrocketed. They were able to set up smaller groups in various locations, they were able to start hiring and actually paying staff to work in these locations. It was more than they ever could have hoped for.

 

That summer, Jared had called Evan and told him to meet them at his house to go for a drive. Evan had got there, a little wary, and immediately questioned what was going on.

 

“Just, get in the car, we’ll tell you on the way.” Jared rolled his eyes with a fond smile, “You suck with surprises.”

 

“I like knowing what they are.”

 

“Ev, that’s not a surprise.”

 

“It’s a good one, we promise.” Zoe smiled, rubbing his shoulder from the backseat. Alana nodded, practically buzzing with excitement.

 

“It’s sort of two surprises! So, we agreed to tell you one on the way, and one when we get there.”

 

“Okay?” Evan laughed nervously. “You aren’t taking me to some random location to kill me when I learn these secrets are you?”

 

“Nah man, they’d know my car. Too obvious who did it.” Jared joked, earning a real laugh from Evan. “Well, you know how we’ve been getting loads of donations lately? And more locations mean we can do more fundraising to expand the charity?” Evan nodded as Alana jumped in to continue.

 

“Well, more and more people are coming forward with anxiety and stress related issues, so we thought we should open a location that wasn’t indoors. That wasn’t going to be an issue for anyone who feels claustrophobic or would feel like they were trapped.”

 

“That’s…actually a brilliant idea. That would have helped me in high school, I know that much.”

 

“It sort of already did.” Zoe smiled. Evan turned in his seat to give her a confused look, not noticing Jared had pulled up. She seemed a little teary when she spoke again, “Get out of the car, Evan.”

 

Evan turned back slowly as he undid his seatbelt. As everyone got out of the car, they waited with baited breath for Evan to realise where they were.

 

They walked up the familiar path, pausing only when Evan stopped suddenly, as if realising where exactly he was.

 

“Guys?” His voice cracked a little when he looked up, so used to seeing a rusted, old sign for an Orchard everyone forgot about, but now seeing a shiny new one in its stead. The crumbling wall he had climbed too many times to count replaced with warm, red brick. A gate with no lock stood under the sign, an open invitation to his old haven.

 

“We talked to the old owners, who after hearing what we wanted to restore it for, were more than happy to sell the land.” Jared began,

 

“It was mainly Connor’s college fund that went into fixing it up. I thought you’d like that part.” Zoe continued, leading them toward the gate “It's technically a public park because it’s charity owned. So even if people don’t come directly to the Project for help, this is here. Also, come see this.” She took his hand and pulled them inside. On the other side of the wall was a large gold plaque. _The Connor Project_ engraved across the top in a chicken scratch he knew all too well. Below were several names he recognised instantly, the ones they’d lost.

 

“Is this...?”

 

“Just because they’re gone doesn’t mean we just forget about them.” Zoe said softly, dropping Evan’s hand as he moved toward the wall. He reached out, fingers tracing the first name there.

 

“Thank you.” Evan smiled, turning back round to his friends, he took a moment to take in the Orchard, in all the glory of a summers day. The green field, painted with trees as far as he could see. The sky as blue as he’d seen it, stretching out for forever. “Connor would have loved this.”

 

“There was another thing.” Alana beamed, buzzing with excitement.

 

“Well, we sort of entered you in a scholarship programme.” Jared blurted, earning a slap to the shoulder from Zoe. Evan scrubbed at his eyes before rolling them.

 

“Guys, c’mon, you know they never really work. They’re set up to give you false hope. No one ever wins them; the standards are too high.”

 

“They do if the applicant shows exceptional moral standing, helped found a charity, had several written recommendations supporting his application.” Alana began before Evan cut her off.

 

“What are you guys saying?” Zoe reached into her back pocket and pulled out the letter, she handed it over to Evan who unfolded it with shaky hands.

 

“We didn’t want to tell you about it in case it built your hopes up too much. You nominate someone you think deserves the scholarship and they choose a top ten, who get voted for online. You won with a clear majority. Full tuition for four years, and we figured that what you have saved would probably cover accommodation and a little more.” Jared explained as Evan read and reread the letter. He didn’t even notice he was crying until he saw the tears hit the paper. “Oh Ev, we’re sorry. We were trying to help.” He rushed forward to pull Evan into a hug, a little confused when he heard laughter from the smaller boy.

 

“Oh my god, I’m actually going to go to college!” Jared pulled him back a little, not releasing the hug.

 

“You aren’t mad?”

 

“Of course not. This…” He laughed again and motioned around him, “All of this, it’s amazing! I can never thank you guys enough.” Zoe was quick to join the hug, pulling Alana in with her.

 

“What else are friends for? We love you Evan, never ever forget that okay?” Evan nodded as Zoe’s assurance, taking in his moment for as long as he could.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

It was his first day of college.

 

He’d got there a few days before his roommate, something Evan was more than a little thankful more. He sat on his bed once he had unpacked and finished decorating his side, and took it all in.  A wall filled with pictures, ticket stubs and flyers. Anything and everything he thought was important in his life. The Connor Project open Mic night flyer by a photo of Zoe, Alana, Jared and himself sitting in the middle of their space after it became officially cleared out and theirs, no furniture, just a lamp plugged in, a laptop and a few boxes of pizza. It was the start.

 

An old _A La Mode_ receipt from their third date ( _“Seriously why did you keep that?” “I’m sentimental, Connor, sue me.”_ ) by another photo of Zoe performing at their first open mic night, the night she decided to join the project.

 

Another of their first official meeting, the kids who had already moved on to college or jobs or some other amazing thing. Another of he and his Mom, their faces red from crying but still so happy and she held up Evan’s acceptance letter. Another of Jared, more than a little drunk, trying and failing not to knock over a jenga tower while Evan cried with laughter beside him.

 

On his desk, closest to his bed, were two frames. One housing the final picture they took from the Project before Evan left, the four original members smiling widely at the camera as they all squeezed into frame. The other, that same photo of his first date, Connor Murphy’s happy grin looking back at him.  Between those frames was that dorky blue pot that that weird looking Cactus lived in.

 

Evan toyed with the envelop in his hands, nearly three years this month since it was written. He was going to open it on Connor’s birthday, on graduation, the day he saw the new Orchard. He just, hadn’t. All those moments, they didn’t belong to just him and Connor, opening the letter would feel like sharing the last thing he had with him with the world, and he wasn’t ready for that. But, alone in the dorm of a college he and Connor had planned to go to together, it was time.

 

He took a steading breath, his hands shaking as he opened the letter.

 

 

 

_Dear Evan Hansen._

_I’m sorry, first of all. I’m so sorry. I meant what I said tonight - I love you. Nothing that could ever happen will change that. This doesn’t change that._

_I know you, Ev, better than I thought I’d ever get the chance to. I know you’re blaming yourself, so stop that. Don’t, this isn’t your fault okay? You aren’t a bad boyfriend. You didn’t do anything wrong. You were enough, don’t ever think otherwise. I just can’t do this anymore. I can’t. I can’t keep dragging you down with me. I can’t keep dragging down everyone I touch. I just keep getting worse, I know you all think I’m better, but I’m not, Evan. I’m a fucking time bomb at this point._

_  
I think I’m beyond help._

_Don’t forget me, okay? I love you more than I could ever love anyone else, I want you to know you’re the only thing making me hesitate here. God, I love you so much it hurts. Like, if I could love you, someone so fucking good and perfect and everything I’m not- then there has got to be something in me that’s good, but there’s not. Do you know how much damage I could do to you? Do you really think you could defend yourself if you started to panic? And you’d stay because you love me because you’re you and you’re so fucking good that you wouldn’t leave, you’d try to help. I just…fuck, look, I don’t even know how to put it into words. Like everything is so shit in this fucking world and then there’s you, this one little bit of light, and I’m going to fuck that up too. I know it. It’s the only thing I know I can do right, you know? Ruin things.  Every good thing that comes near me. This could fucking ruin you, I don’t know, but I don’t want to be here anymore Ev…no, I can’t. I wake up every morning and wish I didn’t, and I see you looking at me like I mean so much and, I don’t deserve that. I need to do this, and you need to let me go. It’ll take some time, I know it will. It’s okay, this is better. Don’t forget me, but don’t refuse to let me go, I’ll be dead Evan and you don’t come back from that. You have to keep moving forward._

_I love you._

_Sincerely,_

_Me_

 

 

 

 

He hugged the letter to his chest, taking a deep breath. He was aware of the tears on his face, but he just exhaled with a smile.

He’d watch Connor’s favourite movies when he was down, listen to the playlists he had made him when he felt panicked, he’d keep Connor’s guitar in the corner of his room when he went to college even though he couldn’t play a note. He couldn’t bring Connor back, but he’d make damn sure that he wasn’t forgotten.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !!!
> 
> So thats it! Thank you so much for reading this, i hope you enjoyed it and it wasn't too odd. Let me know what you thought in the comments and, again, thanks for reading!
> 
> I'm fantasies-become-your-legacy on tumblr if you ever want to stop by. Yell at me for the feels, leave a prompt, catch some memes 


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